Vol. 77, No. 3Q & A

Talking through the pain

Texas police officer shares story of PTSD and recovery

Colleagues offered support to Carrizales during her extensive recovery. Credit: Courtesy Ann Carrizales

After being shot in the face and chest, Stafford Police Department officer Ann Carrizales pursued three suspects as they fled armed into Houston, Texas. Risking her own personal safety, she was able to bring the suspects to justice and live to tell about it. Amelia Thatcher spoke to Carrizales, who is also a former U.S. marine and national boxing champion, about her journey of recovery.

What happened on Oct. 26, 2013?

Every day in law enforcement is a stressful day. On that particular shift, I initiated a traffic stop on a car that had three Hispanic males in it. Those men had ties to MS-13, which is a very violent gang affiliated with the Mexican mafia. When I pulled them over I could really feel like something was not right. It was extra quiet. It was extra hard to breathe. All the signs were there. And their response to me was a violent one. I ended up taking a shot to my face and chest from one of the passengers in the car.

What were you thinking in the moment?

In the moment the mind skips a little bit, it's like an electric short. When I took the shot to the face there was a loud ringing in my ear. I felt the pain and the force of the shot. It felt like a really hard punch. I come from a boxing background, so I am familiar with getting hit in the face — just not with bullets. My head flies back and I'm thinking, 'it's happening . . . it's happened.' I've always prepared myself for this. It's right up there as one of the crazy nightmare dreams every cop has.

Why did you pursue the suspects?

I was very angry. I was angry that they would come into Stafford, Texas and initiate this gun battle with me in the middle of this small trailer home park. I thought, 'there's no way you're gonna come in here and shoot me and create havoc and just drive away and potentially kill somebody else.' It wasn't going to happen. I did a self assessment and I felt that physically I could pursue them. I'm sworn to protect and that's what I needed to do.

How did this affect you physically, mentally and emotionally?

The easiest part of this whole ordeal has been taking that shot to the face and chest. Physically, I have gone through several surgeries: a mastectomy, reconstruction and I lost half of my left earlobe. There was a whole lot of pain with the surgeries and that caused me a lot of anxiety. And several months after the incident I had the first of many serious panic attacks. I actually thought I was having a heart attack on duty. I thought I knew a thing or two about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but I really didn't know enough. It wasn't until I started to do the research and get the help I needed that I got better physically and emotionally.

How did you cope?

My dog never left my side, he just absorbed every tear and cry and scream. It's the same with my children and my husband. It shook our family to the core. The turning point was realizing I'm not going to quit. I'm going to stand up and take this bull by the horns and we're going to tousle until I am better and I win. And I'm going to get knocked around and cry and bleed, but I won't be defeated.

How did your police agency and peers react?

Sometimes administration forgets that the injuries and the wounds go far deeper than the physical. When it hits so close to home — when it's one of your own — you don't know what to say, you don't know what to do. The reality is, officers going through something like I was going through are not going to call you when they need help. We're not wired to reach out and ask for help, we're wired to be the helper and protector. Silence is so loud in a time like that. Never stop trying to reach out. They may turn you down 10 times before the one time you call and they say, "I haven't been so good today."

How did you recover?

I felt like I was in a place to fight so that's what I started doing. I started seeing a psychiatrist and I started sorting through the things I was afraid to sort through. I tackled it like a linebacker. I did the research and learned that what was happening to me was a completely normal reaction to an abnormal event. Once I understood how PTSD works and how we store trauma, it wasn't so scary anymore. When I was going through all this, I would talk to anyone that would listen to me because I felt like not enough people knew about PTSD. It's a taboo subject and we're always told not to talk about it. Well, I wasn't going to do that. I talked about it, and then I was being asked to speak and share my story. Unbeknownst to me, what I was doing was healing myself. I wanted to share my story with officers around the world. That's how I healed: talking about the hard things.

Did your boxing skills help you cope?

In stressful situations, you revert back to what you know. I drew so much from my boxing background that it blew me away. When I got shot in the face it felt like a punch. Physically, one's first reaction might be to cover their face or close their eyes or run. Mine was to keep my eyes on the enemy much like boxing. Psychologically, the competitive spirit and the warrior ethos of 'I hurt but I will fight through that pain' definitely had a hand in my recovery. But you don't have to have been a champion boxer or competitive athlete or a U.S. marine to react in the way that I did.

Would you have done anything differently?

There was nothing I would have done differently in terms of how I conducted the stop and how I reacted to the threat. Sometimes you can do everything right and things will still go south. I don't second guess, even in moments when I am weak and down. I had to realize that I'm not superwoman. I'm a real live person who does some pretty amazing things in my line of work. I think I did the best that I could. I think I had to let myself mourn because I was losing a piece of who I was before. If I had not allowed myself to go through things the way that I did, I probably would not be where I am now. And I'm happy with where I am now.

How are you coping now?

I did not come out of this ordeal unscathed. I did not come out of it without my fair share of scars and bruises. I still have bad days. I still have those times where I don't want to be around people. I don't want to give the impression of, 'wow, she just came out of this and she's great, she's good!' I am good but it's left its mark on me. I'm trying to use the tools I've learned to process it and get better. I've come to the point where I've accepted that I will never be the Ann Marie Carrizales I was before I was shot. And that used to break my heart at first. But it doesn't anymore. I am proud of who I am now.

What would you tell other officers wounded in the line of duty?

You can get shot in the face. You can get shot in the chest. And you can still win. You can survive it not only in the moment, but in the aftermath. Because it's going to shatter your life. It's okay to feel vulnerable, scared and broken. You're going to want to quit. But you can put the pieces back together and it will hold stronger than it did in the first place. You can survive this if you take the time and put in the work.

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